Brighton Will Accept Asylum Seekers ‘Only if They Have a Bicycle’

Eco-friendly city wants new residents to ‘get off on the right pedal’.

A former asylum-seeker, ‘Kate’ (not her real name) is now a fully-integrated member of Brighton society thanks to her bicycle and fantastic arse

Caroline Lucas MP said ‘there is nothing wrong with our “when in Rome” approach; we cannot take everyone, as this would drive the local squatter community into homelessness’.

‘We realise that bringing a bicycle over on a dangerously overcrowded small boat from Turkey or Greece is impractical – but there are lots of very good deals to be had once the people are here.  And frankly if they can afford to pay people traffickers thousands of pounds for passage to the UK, a fifty quid bike won’t break them’.

An Australian-style ‘points system’ has also been suggested – with preferential treatment given to LGBTQ applicants, those with bright blue hair, and names such as Cressida and Jez.  Passionate opposition to fracking would also be an advantage.

‘We pride ourselves on tolerance in Brighton’ added Lucas ‘and want to be damn sure that any new arrivals are also of that same mindset’.