Russell Hobbs to Unveil Long-Awaited ‘Kettle 7’

Millions of consumers besiege shops, hoping to be the first to own ‘The Must-Have Product Of All Time’.

This is what Ancient History looks like.

With advance sales of over 1,000,000,000, Kettle 7 already has its place in the history books – and company chiefs are gearing up for even greater success when the top-secret design is finally unveiled at the O2 next week.

A statement by the company read ‘The kettle – for so long a symbol of Britishness – is about to move on to a whole different level’.

‘Kettle 7 will have several ground-breaking features’:

• It can freeze water as well as boil it.
• It is waterproof, so can be used in the shower
• It has military-inspired ‘stealth’ design, so is virtually undetectable to radar
• It has voice-recognition, AI and autonomous capability – so can ‘learn’ when its owner next wants a cup of tea or coffee, and if necessary debate with them the pros and cons of them either having an unscheduled extra hot drink or ‘going without, so you’re not up all night in the loo’.  (For these occasions, an app is available allowing the kettle to communicate directly with the owner’s toilet: if necessary putting the seat in deterrant ‘lockdown’ mode)

Popular website www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com has seen a 100-fold increase in hits, as consumers clamour for more information and expert insight into Kettle 7’s implications for the UK’s uniquely Tea-And-Biscuit-Centric culture.