Mental Health Breakdowns ‘Through the Roof’ Among Supermarket Staff

Breeding ground for psychopaths?

Self-service checkouts blamed for staff uncontrollably shouting phrases round-the-clock such as ‘Thank you for shopping at Morrisons. Please take your change’.  Psychiatrists concerned that sufferers’ behaviour could ‘escalate’.

‘Remember Japanese water torture?’ said a senior neurologist at London’s prestigious UCLH.  ‘Well it’s back – but this time it’s more high-tech.  The endless repetition of identical phrases by artificial voices – from as many as 20 sources all in close proximity – is literally driving people mad’.

‘Going postal’ is a well-know work-rage phenomenon in the US Postal Service – and we could be heading the same way here.

‘Going Tesco’ perhaps…

‘It’s not so bad for me’ said a shopper at ASDA in Manchester. ‘I’m only in there for half an hour – but I can’t imagine what it’s like for the staff’.

The shop workers’ union, USDAW, has launched a nationwide petition to ban the machines – or for headphones to be issued to all staff.

‘Well that’s a stupid idea isn’t it’, said a spokesman for industry body the British Retail Consortium. ‘The staff won’t be able to hear when customers ask them a question.  What are shops supposed to do: hand out message boards and marker pens to customers as they come in?’

‘And anyway, this is just another move by USDAW to head off staff redundancies.  They know the day of the virtual supermarket is at hand – and they don’t like it’.

In response, a furious USDAW has said it will take its case to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.

If it’s still allowed to.