Far-Right ‘Teabag Party’ Gains Westminster Foothold as Bill Cash MP Defects

‘A symbol of all that is wrong with our country today’

‘This is our moment’ says veteran Tory as he crosses the floor of the House.

‘Over the past 30 years, we have suffered a creeping erosion not only of our sovereignty but – perhaps more importantly – the loss of those lovely little touches that define Englishness’.

‘Where to begin?’

• Drivers no longer letting you pull out at junctions
• Packets of digestive biscuits now being easy to open
• Self-adhesive postage stamps that do not require licking
• Un-vandalised telephone boxes that now do not even smell of urine

But his Party’s flagship policy is to outlaw what it says is ‘the biggest blow to civilised society since Operation Market Garden’.

‘We have been subjected for far too long to this habit of people leaving teabags in cups of tea as they serve them’.

‘We utterly reject the main argument in defence of this odious behaviour: that it allows the tea drinker to choose the strength of their tea by swishing the teabag around in the cup, or removing it immediately as they choose’.

‘This is a cynical attempt to convince customers that they are being ’empowered’ (a word which should strike fear into all our hearts) when in fact it just makes things easier for the tea’s server and more difficult for the recipient – who then has to fish out the hot dripping teabag and find somewhere to dispose of it (which there rarely is) or place it on the saucer or napkin where it forms an unsightly sodden brown puddle or stain’.

Sir William denied that this was an attack on the teabag industry per se, but a broad coalition of brands such as Yorkshire Tea, Typhoo, PG Tips and Tetley’s have taken matters into their own hands with a multi-million pound PR campaign explaining the latest teabag technologies and the contribution teabags make to the UK’s economy and arts.

There was also embarrassment for Sir William when it emerged that he had received campaign contributions totalling £50 in 1984, from money raised at a tea party by his local Conservative Club.