‘Unappreciated’ Met Office to Scrap UK Weather Forecasts

The Met Office in Sunnier Times

Following its recent bust-up with the BBC, The Met Office Announces the end of UK Weather Forecasts.

The Met Office said today that it will cease production of UK weather forecasts, and concentrate instead on overseas markets.

‘All we ever hear from the public is moan, moan, moan; hurricane this, Michael Fish that..’ said a spokesman.

‘Well from now on British people can figure out for themselves what the weather is going to be like.  In India, for example, nobody cares if we get the start of monsoon season a bit wrong; everybody knows it’s coming and are much more philosophical about the whole thing’.

In a typically robust statement, former Met Office hard man Bill Giles added: ‘The British public are just a load of fxxxxxg cxxxs.  They can kiss my axx’.

In a separate development, the Irish Met Office Met Eireann – which now has responsibility for naming storms bound for the UK – said it will streamline the process.  Instead of giving each storm a unique name, it will categorise them based on severity.

After a public consultation, Met Eireann has decided to use Biblical names, as follows:

• Storm Cain: winds of up to 50 mph in exposed and coastal areas.  Low risk of property damage or injury
• Storm Jezebel: winds up to 70 mph with heavy rain and some risk of minor property damage
• Storm Judas: winds up to 90 mph, driving and persistent rain and higher risk of property damage
• Storm Herod: winds of 100+ mph with rain, high risk of property damage and injury to very young children
• Storm Satan: winds in excess of Mach 3, extensive flooding combined with volcanos, earthquakes and locusts