‘Game-Changing’ New Poll Explores Attitudes of Drunk People

Opinion polls are now part-and-parcel of everyday life.  But none have systematically assessed the views of people who are…  pissed.  Until now.

‘We have a fundamental problem in conducting polls’ said a spokesman for the British Polling Council (BPC).  ‘Some people – quite understandably – feel obliged to give the reply that they think the interviewer wants to hear, or that they feel is more socially acceptable’.

‘The most obvious example is in election polling, where there is a tendency for some respondents to avoid saying they support the Conservatives – when actually they do.  This buggered us up in last year’s General Election – and even more so in 1992’.

‘We’ve never really worked out how to ensure that people are totally candid with us’.  Then in jest a colleague said “let’s interview drunk people”.  And the penny dropped.

Between 19-26th July 2016, we interviewed a representative GB sample of 1,000 people – having first got them ‘well-oiled but still coherent’.

The results are startlingly different to the norm, and we feel this sets a robust new benchmark in gauging public sentiment on important matters of the day:

Q1:  Who would you vote for in a general election?

Sober:   Conservative 34%; Labour 28%; Lib Dem 12%; Other 5%; Nobody 21%

Drunk: Conservative 50%; Labour 9%; Lib Dem 2%; Nobody 15%; that monster raving loony bloke 24%

Q2:  What is the biggest problem facing the UK?

Sober:  Immigrants

Drunk: Fucking immigrants

Q3:  Would Jeremy Corbyn make a good Prime Minister?

Sober:  Yes 27%; no 68%; don’t know 5%

Drunk:  Is the Pope Muslim?

Q4:  What advice would you give to The Queen?

Sober:  Just keep doing everything the same as always Ma’am.  You’re marvellous

Drunk:  Stop going on about The Commonwealth; nobody gives a toss apart from you

Q5:  What is the best way to dispose of household rubbish?

Sober:  Recycle it using environmentally-sensitive processes such as anaerobic digestion and biomass

Drunk:  Make immigrants eat it and then send them back to Africa on a small boat

Q6:  Which celebrity would you most like to go on a blind date with?

Sober:  Fiona Bruce (men); Idris Elba (women)

Drunk: Well if I was blind it wouldn’t really matter would it.  Smart arse.