Match-Rigging at Nuneaton Tiddlywinks Contest Causes Uproar

Is this the new FIFA..?

The English Tiddlywinks Association (ETwA) has moved swiftly to answer accusations that the game has ‘endemic corruption from top to bottom’.

An undercover Channel 4 investigation broadcast last month found widespread:

• Match-rigging, with leading players offered up to £20 to ‘throw the wink’
• Use of non-regulation ‘loaded’ winks, made of Kevlar to reduce wear and tear and improve aerodynamic efficiency
• Doping, with many IOC-blacklisted substances in common use
• Under-the-table payments to ETwA from provincial towns bidding to host the annual UK Championships

The police have launched ‘Operation Squidger’ to investigate both these latest claims and historical cases dating back to the 1970s.  Initial papers have been passed to the DPP.

In the USA, the Justice Department has opened its own investigation into the North American Tiddlywinks Association (NATwA).

A statement from the ETwA read ‘We are determined to prove these allegations false, and to clear the good name of Tiddlywinks’.

‘Several measures have been put in place, as follows:’

• Random doping tests
• Mandatory CRB background checks for all participants and officials
• High resolution CCTV cameras at every local and national tournament match
• A new ‘Tiddlywinks Integrity Unit’ (TwIU) to co-ordinate efforts within the UK and between the various overseas governing bodies, HMRC, Interpol, MI5, The US Department of Homeland Security, the IRS, FBI and CIA