Virgin Trains Wins Prestigious Volk’s Railway Franchise

A jubilant Richard Branson visited Brighton yesterday to announce victory in his long-fought battle to take over the Victorian-era line.

Upgrading is at a very early stage, but will be fully rolled out by 2020.

‘We’ve waited far too long for this moment; typically, UK rail franchises are reviewed or renewed within a decade – so 133 years is somewhat overdue’ joked the billionaire.

‘Anyway, we now have a clean sheet of paper from which to start upgrading the line.  Firstly, the latest ‘High Speed’ track will replace the current narrow gauge, and in-cab signalling will allow our flagship Class 91 locomotive-hauled trains to operate at 140 mph rather than be restricted to 125 mph as they are on most other lines’.

Opponents have pointed out that the line is only 1 mile in length – so the Class 91s would not be able to achieve a speed of more than around 25 mph before having to slow down again at the other end.

‘It’s not all about speed’ countered Branson.  ‘The facilities on the current Volk’s trains are frankly primitive: no windows, no padded seats, no Wi-Fi and no air conditioning.  Also, the drivers are required to stand up for the entire length of the journey, and it is also considered ‘good form’ that they wave to young children on the beach.  If that isn’t a health and safety issue I don’t know what is’.