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Major Derailment at ‘Yo Sushi’ Adds to Rail Commuters’ Misery
Yet more bad news awaited Southern Rail passengers struggling into London this morning, after a ‘serious incident’ left several diners at London Victoria Station’s ‘Yo Sushi’ needing hospital treatment. According to eye-witnesses, a southbound dish of Ramen Noodle Salad left the belt and collided headlong into a helping of Custard Dorayaki travelling in the opposite direction. This in turn careened into an Albacore Truffle Ponzu Sashimi, before coming to rest on top of an overturned Chicken Katsu Curry. Several...
read moreSupermarkets to be Probed Over ‘High Pressure Sales Tactics’ of Plastic Bags
The 2015 introduction in England of a mandatory 5p charge for single-use plastic bags by large retailers was hailed as a great success by the environmental movement. The number of bags used reportedly dropped by almost 90%. However, the ‘gentleman’s agreement’ that monies raised are passed on to charities is not mandatory – and some high street chains are suspected of pocketing some of the extra proceeds themselves. ‘We’ve heard of several very dubious practices’ said a spokesperson for...
read more‘Wandering’ TV Historian Janina Ramirez Found Safe in Her Office
‘It was the last place we thought to look’ say colleagues. Dr Janina Ramirez has established herself as one of Britain’s most popular – and distinctive – TV historians. But her presenting style does sometimes cause problems…. ‘Last night’s BBC4 documentary on Julian of Norwich was classic Ramirez’ enthused local GP and amateur historian Charles Thornbury. ‘We saw Janina perform many of her trademark moves: walking along a street walking across a field climbing up a staircase...
read moreGlobal Warming Campaigners Welcome Improving Temperature Data
‘After years on the back foot, we’re finally gaining some traction’ say activists…. ‘Obviously the news that the ozone hole is healing dominated the last few days: it’s been the only thing people are talking about’. ‘The UK’s colder-than-usual June and first-half of July have also been a major issue for us – but then suddenly events turned on a dime yesterday, and we’re now hearing warnings of ‘killer heatwaves’ over the next 24 hours. ‘This is much more like...
read moreBoris Johnson Opens UK’s First ‘School of Gravitas’ for Junior Diplomats
Newly-Appointed Foreign Secretary wants to pass on his experience to less mature generations. In a typically lively speech, the former London Mayor said: ‘It’s an ideal opportunity for me to “give something back” to this wonderful country – to which I’ve already given so much. Back. ‘We’re working on a detailed curriculum right now. So far, we’ve come up with four specific areas in which dignity is so key: Combing one’s hair Correct use of flags, bungee cords and zip lines when in...
read moreDallas Police Inundated With Requests to Buy ‘Robot Bomb’
Standoff with lone gunman prompts enquiries from veterans, housewives, teens and hunting enthusiasts. ‘We’re referring all calls to Northrop Grumman, whose Remotec division manufactures the devices’ said a DPD spokesman. ‘The most common questions are’: Can it be used for trick-or-treating? Can I control it with my iphone? What colors does it come in? Will it take down an alligator at 50 feet? Is it covered by the Second Amendment? Can I trade my 2014 Camry against it? Does Chuck Norris have one? Remotec was not...
read moreBirmingham City Council in Talks with NASA Following Shock Poll Result (PART 1)
‘Shoot it into space’ the most popular option for disposal of city’s household waste (‘WEXIT’). ‘It’s not the result we were expecting’ said Council Leader John Clancy, ‘but we did make a commitment to honour our residents’ decision – and so we shall’. The survey had asked Birmingham people how the Council should best dispose of residents’ household waste – with options including recycling, incineration, landfill, Anaerobic Digestion (AD), Biomass and...
read moreGreenpeace Wants ‘Carbon Tax on Pets’
Green activists say cats, dogs and gerbils are ‘an environmental disaster hiding in plain sight’. The impact of methane emissions from cows are well-documented – but now campaigners are turning their attention closer to home, with a stinging attack on domestic pets. ‘They are increasingly an extension of their owners’ profligacy’, read a statement. ‘Dogs in particular are over-fed – while cats upset biodiversity and weaken the planet’s resilience to climate change by eating small birds. ...
read moreFollowing blow to the head, Geordie Bricklayer thinks he’s a Female Tory MP
Mates express concern as he launches campaign to win Number 10. ‘It’s really strange’ said site foreman Terry McCoy. ‘Gareth was fine until he got hit on the head by a copper pipe’. ‘Next day, someone asked him if he wanted tea or coffee, and he said: “That’s exactly the kind of divisive thinking that we need to move away from. Many deep wounds have been inflicted over the past fortnight, and I believe I am the best person to heal those wounds.”‘ ‘..And there wasn’t a...
read more‘Bank of Mum and Dad’ Announces 25,000 Branch Closures
Faced with ever-growing competition from online-only finance providers, parents are turning their children away in unprecedented numbers. For so long seen as the ‘lender of last resort’, parents are struggling to meet their children’s demands for cash. ‘Whether it be fifty quid for a train fare, or an interest-free gift of several thousand pounds to cover tuition fees, we are feeling the pressure from the competition’, said the Bank of Mum and Dad’s Head of Marketing. Reports come in every day of...
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