Archives
Birmingham’s Latest Transport Upgrade: Ozzy Osbourne International Airport
Buoyed by revamped New Street railway station, and inspired by Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport, City Council is in talks with the CAA. ‘This is the latest in a long line of white elephant projects aiming to bring Birmingham into the big league, but which is doomed to failure from the outset’ – said a senior councillor, going slightly off message. ‘Our IATA code would change from ‘BHX’ to ‘OZI’ – and the Australians are already saying this may cause confusion with Sydney, Melbourne,...
read moreThree-Quarters of Liverpool People ‘Can’t Stand The Beatles’
‘Cliché-ridden’, ‘depressing’ and ‘endlessly repetitive’ are among the criticisms aimed at the Fab Four Two. In a bombshell survey carried out for The Sun newspaper, Liverpudlians have revealed the depth of their contempt for the band – so long thought to be near God-like figures in their home city. ‘It’s Magical Mystery Tour this, Cavern Club that and Penny Lane the other’ said one disgruntled passer-by from central London. ‘Try finding a busker in this town who isn’t...
read moreBrighton’s War Memorial Bought By Developers: to Become ‘World’s Shallowest Swimming Pool’
Funding crisis blamed on ‘Inadequate cash flow from lucky-wish pennies’. Following similar controversies over the nearby Grand Ocean Hotel and Saltdean Lido, Brighton’s War Memorial is now at the centre of a row between local residents and a property developer. ‘It just isn’t sustainable’ said Proimus UK Property. ‘The only use the Memorial gets is from seagulls – and they ain’t good payers’. ‘We propose to reimagine the Memorial as a multi-use gym, spa, bistro and luxury...
read moreOpening Aerosol Cans Announced as New Olympic Event
Latest ‘lockable’ nozzles are so complicated that most people give up after 30 minutes. World Record to open a can is 6 minutes. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced at its Lausanne HQ yesterday that it has ratified the sport as an official Olympic competition. ‘It combines the mental skills of chess with the physical dexterity of fencing’ read the official IOC statement, ‘and so is a worthy addition to the competitions undertaken at the World’s oldest and most prestigious sporting event....
read moreMental Health Breakdowns ‘Through the Roof’ Among Supermarket Staff
Self-service checkouts blamed for staff uncontrollably shouting phrases round-the-clock such as ‘Thank you for shopping at Morrisons. Please take your change’. Psychiatrists concerned that sufferers’ behaviour could ‘escalate’. ‘Remember Japanese water torture?’ said a senior neurologist at London’s prestigious UCLH. ‘Well it’s back – but this time it’s more high-tech. The endless repetition of identical phrases by artificial voices – from as many as 20 sources...
read more‘Pagan’ NHS Survey Prompts Questions in Parliament
Health service has ‘lost all sense of perspective‘ says cross-party group of backbenchers. Customers are often asked to fill in feedback questionnaires about the services or products they use – but one such example at a Brighton hospital has caused outrage and bemusement in equal measure. ‘”Political correctness gone mad” doesn’t even begin to cover it’, fumed a Conservative backbench MP. ‘In the supposed interests of serving all strands of the weird-and-wonderful population of Brighton,...
read moreThe Moon is Awarded Honourary Knighthood ‘For Services to Space Travel’
Surprise ‘gong’ follows UK Astronaut Tim Peake’s CMG (Companion of order of St Michael and St George), and petitions to award the International Space Station (ISS) the Nobel Peace Prize. ‘This isn’t nearly as daft as it sounds’ said legendary 82 year-old former NASA Flight Director Gene Kranz. ‘The United States achieved unprecedented technological advances with its manned spaceflight programs, and much of this was driven by a desire to go to the Moon. Without the Moon, the whole thing would have...
read more‘Emily Maitlis on Strictly’ Petition Reaches 1 Million: Parliament to Act
MPs will now debate motion: ‘This House Believes that, in a Time of National Crisis, Emily Maitlis Should go on Strictly Come Dancing Whether She Wants to or Not’. ‘It’s no longer just a question of advancing her career’ said a senior BBC News executive ‘it’s about stepping up for her country. ‘The Pound is at its lowest level since goodness-knows-when, the markets are having kittens, and families up and down the land have been torn apart – possibly for generations to come’. The...
read moreRussell Hobbs to Unveil Long-Awaited ‘Kettle 7’
Millions of consumers besiege shops, hoping to be the first to own ‘The Must-Have Product Of All Time’. With advance sales of over 1,000,000,000, Kettle 7 already has its place in the history books – and company chiefs are gearing up for even greater success when the top-secret design is finally unveiled at the O2 next week. A statement by the company read ‘The kettle – for so long a symbol of Britishness – is about to move on to a whole different level’. ‘Kettle 7 will have several...
read moreOmega Announces ‘First Crap on the Moon’ Commemorative Watch
Swiss company launches the latest in an endless line of limited edition ‘Moon Watch’ Models. We’ve had ‘The First Omega in Space’ Special Edition – plus Apollo XI 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th, 40th and 45th Anniversary models. Enough already? Not a bit. Omega’s marketeers have now unveiled their masterpiece: a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to celebrate the first ‘Motion Moment’ on the lunar surface. At precisely 9.07 pm GMT on 20th July 1969, Neil Armstrong took his first Giant Leak for...
read more