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747 Captain Under Arrest After Heathrow Victory Roll
Pro-Brexit supporter led away by Police and CAA officials. There was terror for 400 passengers yesterday on an inbound flight from New York, as the Captain came over the intercom at 5,000 feet and shouted ‘this is the end…. for Europe’, before performing what is believed to be the first ever genuine barrel-roll by a Boeing 747. Fake videos posted online are believed to have been the inspiration for the pilot to perform what Boeing described as ‘an extremely foolish action’. By co-incidence, pro-Brexit leader...
read moreMore 1970s TV Stars Under Investigation By Operation Yewtree
Three ‘major names’ under the spotlight as police pass initial papers to the DPP. Under new guidelines, the names of those involved will not be released unless or until formal charges are brought. However, some information has already come to light as to the identity of those ‘of interest’ to detectives: A multi-coloured cat, linked to inappropriate relations with young mice and a woodpecker A small Welsh steam locomotive, suspected of people trafficking A tight-knit group of moon-based creatures, believed to...
read moreJeremy Kyle Is New Head of ACAS
Presenter’s no-nonsense approach a ‘perfect fit’ for challenging post-Brexit climate. His catch-phrases such as ‘stick something on the end of it’, ‘man up’, ‘it’s my show’ and ‘just grow a pair’ have bulldozed their way through countless family feuds over the years – but now Jeremy Kyle’s talents will be helping to resolve disputes between employers, employees, unions and government departments. ‘In the World of knocking heads together, ACAS is The...
read moreFar-Right ‘Teabag Party’ Gains Westminster Foothold as Bill Cash MP Defects
‘This is our moment’ says veteran Tory as he crosses the floor of the House. ‘Over the past 30 years, we have suffered a creeping erosion not only of our sovereignty but – perhaps more importantly – the loss of those lovely little touches that define Englishness’. ‘Where to begin?’ Drivers no longer letting you pull out at junctions Packets of digestive biscuits now being easy to open Self-adhesive postage stamps that do not require licking Un-vandalised telephone boxes that now do not even...
read moreThe Proclaimers To Represent Scotland in 2017 Eurovision Song Contest
Amid the fierce campaigning over Brexit, one crucial issue has so far been missed by the mainstream media. ‘They are the obvious choice’ said First Minister Nicola Sturgeon ‘ and I think I speak for everyone in Scotland in saying ‘enough already’ with votes and referenda for the next few days: let’s just nominate Charlie and Craig now and have done with it’. The duo have enthusiastically agreed, and are reported to be working on various songs. ‘The Eurovision is a great way for countries to kick...
read moreBrighton Will Accept Asylum Seekers ‘Only if They Have a Bicycle’
Eco-friendly city wants new residents to ‘get off on the right pedal’. Caroline Lucas MP said ‘there is nothing wrong with our “when in Rome” approach; we cannot take everyone, as this would drive the local squatter community into homelessness’. ‘We realise that bringing a bicycle over on a dangerously overcrowded small boat from Turkey or Greece is impractical – but there are lots of very good deals to be had once the people are here. And frankly if they can afford to pay people traffickers...
read moreUS Gun Lobby Agrees Historic Compromise
Following recent sit-ins by Democrats in Congress – and decades of bad blood between the NRA and Liberals – a lasting agreement may finally be close. A last-minute deal in Washington has cleared the way for gun shops and arms dealers to sell automatic weapons or ammunition to the public – but not both. Crucially, the deal has the backing of the all-powerful National Rifle Association (NRA). Its leader Wayne LaPierre struck an unusually conciliatory tone on the steps of the Capitol Building. ‘This agreement represents...
read more‘Big Boy’ Steam Locomotive Branded ‘Obscene’ by US Ultra-Feminist Group
A previously-unknown group – ‘Train Spotters Up In Arms’ – has staged a violent demo at the Cheyenne HQ of railroad operator Union Pacific. The demonstrators exchanged gunfire with police for over three hours, demanding that the World’s largest steam engine (currently under restoration) be renamed. ‘It’s wrong in so many ways’ said TSUIA spokesperson Melinda J. ‘It’s sexist, sizeist, homophobic, phallo-centric and probably racist too’. ‘Actually’ she continued...
read moreBBC Reporters ‘Taking Their Work Home With Them’
Bizarre reports are leaking from Broadcasting House on Senior Presenters’ Troubling Behaviour. In the ‘hot-house’ that is the 21st Century BBC, a number of familiar faces are becoming ever-more focused on their work. Science and environment guru David Shuckman is often seen walking through the office carrying an inflatable dinghy on his head – similar to those used when filming collapsing icebergs at the poles. ‘You never know where climate change will strike next, do you?’ Shuckman is reported to say. ...
read more‘Bigoted Old White Northerners’ to be Interned in Run-Up to New EU Vote
The shock Brexit victory has hardened the resolve of important people to not be caught napping again. ‘Well we’re not going to let that happen again’, said a senior source close to Number 10. ‘Nor are we going to let the result stand. Bear in mind that the score was very close – 48.1% to 51.9% – and young, well-educated people in important places (ie London) voted overwhelmingly to remain. ‘So, the ‘remain’ vote will become stronger by the day. In fact, we calculate that enough PBOFs...
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