Archives
Autonomous Devices Will Face Moral Dilemmas at Every Turn, Say Scientists
It isn’t just driverless cars that will need to ‘decide’ what to do in no-win situations… Recent research has shown that most people would prefer driverless cars if necessary to sacrifice their occupants rather than plough into a group of children. Yeah right. But this is only one of many scenarios in which autonomous devices of all kinds will have to make split-second judgements. Others include: Vacuum cleaners: should they suck up and kill spiders, wood lice and ladybirds – or sacrifice the cleanliness of...
read moreVirgin Trains Wins Prestigious Volk’s Railway Franchise
A jubilant Richard Branson visited Brighton yesterday to announce victory in his long-fought battle to take over the Victorian-era line. ‘We’ve waited far too long for this moment; typically, UK rail franchises are reviewed or renewed within a decade – so 133 years is somewhat overdue’ joked the billionaire. ‘Anyway, we now have a clean sheet of paper from which to start upgrading the line. Firstly, the latest ‘High Speed’ track will replace the current narrow gauge, and in-cab signalling will allow...
read moreWorld’s Most Powerful Laxative ‘Causing Climate Change’
Effects of explosive methane emissions could undermine the efforts of global treaties. ‘MaxLax’ is certainly living up to its name. The Swiss-developed drug can entirely purge a human’s digestive system in under three minutes. ‘This is the laser-guided missile of laxatives’, said the product’s press release just two weeks ago when it was launched on global markets – after three years of clinical trials. But not everyone is so impressed. Greenpeace has called for a worldwide ban, saying that if...
read moreBBC2 Announces ‘Toiletwatch’
With growing concern over the plight of Britain’s public lavatories, new show could create a ’cause celebre’. Springwatch, Autumnwatch and Winterwatch have all been popular hits for the BBC – imparting fascinating and little-known facts about the weather, wildlife, flowers and trees. The shows’ proven format (of going on for day-after-day-after-day – for what seems like forever), is now being applied to a new variation: Toiletwatch. Several hidden cameras will be installed in a busy public lavatory at an...
read moreTrump in Secret Talks with Kent County Council Over Boundary Wall
US Property Tycoon may have the answer to ‘The Garden of England’s immigration woes. Through history, many famous walls have been built to keep people in or out: The Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, Hadrian’s Wall among them. That tradition may be about to return – to Kent. One of England’s most-visited counties, it relies on a thriving tourist industry – but prefers its guests go home afterwards. With local residents growing increasingly restless at the numbers of immigrants arriving from overseas,...
read moreAlan Titchmarsh Among 30 England Fans Arrested In Paris Riot
Gardeners are incredulous at news that the presenter faces multiple charges brought by French Riot Police. The darling of middle England, 67 year old Titchmarsh first came to fame through Gardeners’ World and Ground Force, before ploughing another successful furrow as a novelist. ‘We just can’t take it in’ said Edna Hilton, President of the Harrogate Gardeners’ Guild. ‘He was the Guest of Honour at our Summer Fete in 2012 – and was the perfect gentleman’. Details are still sketchy, but it...
read moreVulcan Bomber to Fly Again Thanks to Harry Potter Movie Deal
Britain’s only remaining airworthy Vulcan – XH558 – has won a last-minute reprieve from permanent grounding. Top executives at Warner Brothers have committed $50 million to keep the aircraft flying until Autumn 2019, when filming is due to wrap on ‘Harry Potter and the Vulcan Bomber’. Author J.K. Rowling said: ‘It will be wonderful to see ‘The Tin Triangle’ flying again, and we hope that her pilots Martin and Kev will enter into the spirit by wearing costumes from the other films during the...
read moreApple Targets Serial Killer Market With iphone ‘supermax’
The tech giant is aiming to broaden its appeal to the criminal fraternity with its latest model. ‘With our highest ever level of encryption, the iphone supermax gives unprecedented protection to the people who need it most’ commented lizard-like morally bankrupt Apple CEO Tim Cook (successor to lizard-like, morally bankrupt Steve Jobs). ‘The consequences for our nation’s serial killers, child molesters, armed robbers and terrorists of being hacked are almost unimaginable: arrest, jail time, enhanced interrogation...
read moreW.I. Cake Sales ‘Fund Terrorism’
‘Sleeper cells’ of radicalised elderly white middle-class women are suspected of hiding in plain sight among the W.I.’s ranks. The Women’s Institute – formed in 1915 – has traditionally been associated with village fetes, coffee mornings, bring-and-buy sales – and of course cakes. In recent years, though, it has had to confront issues from the grittier side of life: contraception, abortion, people trafficking, gang rape and child pornography. And it may now be facing its biggest ever challenge, with...
read moreMatch-Rigging at Nuneaton Tiddlywinks Contest Causes Uproar
The English Tiddlywinks Association (ETwA) has moved swiftly to answer accusations that the game has ‘endemic corruption from top to bottom’. An undercover Channel 4 investigation broadcast last month found widespread: Match-rigging, with leading players offered up to £20 to ‘throw the wink’ Use of non-regulation ‘loaded’ winks, made of Kevlar to reduce wear and tear and improve aerodynamic efficiency Doping, with many IOC-blacklisted substances in common use Under-the-table payments to ETwA from provincial...
read more