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Queen Will Scoop £100 Million Bonus if She Lives to 100
Leaked Cabinet papers reveal the Monarch on track for bumper 2026 payday. The money will come from the public purse – prompting outrage from the TaxPayers’ Alliance – but royalists have strongly defended the idea. ‘It’s cheap at the price’ said a retired Colonel from Gloucestershire. ‘That’s less than £3,000 a day as of June 2016 – or the equivalent of about half a dozen Americans coming over to London to watch the Changing of The Guard or Trooping the Colour’. Others were less...
read moreBrian Blessed Is Cambridge University’s First Professor of Shouting
The veteran actor is ‘overwhelmed and humbled’ by the appointment. ‘What a year! First the OBE, then this’. I am truly (Brian) Blessed’. ‘The selection process was extremely rigorous, with course work and exams on: The history of shouting in Western and Eastern cultures The legal status of shouting in the US Constitution (with particular reference to the Fifth Amendment) Applications of shouting in Quantum Physics, and The role of shouting in Shakespeare and cheesy 1980s science-fiction movie...
read moreChinese Rename 2017 ‘Year of the Skip’ in Bid to Kick-Start Economy
Roosters are out and skips are in. Beijing unveils its plan to rescue faltering Chinese expansion. With China’s 2016 Q1 growth barely scraping into triple figures, top officials are hurriedly devising unconventional ways to encourage consumer spending. An official Party communique explained ‘”Year of the Skip” is a ground-up initiative that we hope will prompt families to undertake home improvement projects -which in turn will have a knock-on effect for the manufacturing and service sectors’. Indeed we have...
read moreToyota Wins Coveted ‘Ewww’ Prize for Record Third Time
‘Mesmerisingly Horrid’ Mirai Saloon Captures Hat-Trick for Japanese Auto Giant. The long-established ‘Car of The Year’ (COTY) Awards celebrate all that is best in modern car design and technology. The ‘Ewww’ Awards don’t. Instead, they highlight the very worst that the automotive world throws at unsuspecting, gullible and just plain dumb consumers year after year. ‘Although it started a while back as just a bit of fun, it does have a very serious purpose’ says the respected...
read moreAlzheimer’s Charity: ‘Everyone in the UK Will Have Dementia By Next Week’
Latest Alzheimer’s Society statistics charting the condition’s growth make alarming reading. ‘As a country, we can no longer ignore this national epidemic’ said a spokeswoman. ‘Unless we act now, the human cost will be unimaginable. The health services will be overwhelmed, planes will fall from the sky, locusts will fill the air – and Ant and Dec will never again be seen on telly’. However, the comments have attracted criticism from some quarters. ‘As usual, they’re overplaying their...
read moreTeam Aims for ‘First Pumpkin In Space’ With Nazi-Inspired Supergun
America’s annual pumpkin chucking contest returns to Delaware in November 2016 after a two year absence. First held in 1986, ‘Punkin Chunkin’ is the World’s premier event for those who feel the urge to propel a pumpkin long distances using giant air cannon, trebuchets and catapults. The sport is governed by the WCPCA (World Championship Punkin Chunkin Association), and aims to promote innovative thinking in science and technology. ‘In our 30th Anniversary year, we’re delighted to return to Delaware and hope...
read more‘World’s Fastest Bird’ Honored by NASA
The 1986 Challenger Space Shuttle disaster claimed the lives of seven astronauts. And one pigeon. According to an anonymous NASA contractor ‘the video tapes of that launch have pretty much been worn out, having been scrutinised so closely over the years’. ‘But in 2005, new digital enhancement kit allowed us a better view than ever before – and we got a surprise’. ‘Clinging to the side of the right hand booster rocket was a medium-sized bird – later identified as a pigeon by The Audubon...
read moreLas Vegas to Hold First Annual ‘Drive-By Shooting Day’ in 2017
City’s radical plan to reduce its year-round crime wave – by having it all on one day. One day next Summer, the famous Las Vegas Strip will echo not to the sound of tourists, casino attractions and live bands – but screeching tires and automatic gunfire. ‘We’re rolling the dice on this one’ admitted LVMPD Sheriff Joseph Lombardo. ‘It’s a new innovation for Vegas, and indeed for any city, but we feel that with proper policing and co-operation between law enforcement, the public and the criminal...
read morePink Floyd ‘Tried to Sue US Student for Taking Tea Break’
Newly-released court papers reveal the band’s determination that people listen to Floyd albums in full. Long before the days of the internet and rows over whether individual tracks could be downloaded, Pink Floyd were already hot on the heels of their less committed fans. In April 1973, the band attempted to sue a student at NYU who had confided to a friend that he had only listened to the first half of ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ before going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Word of the incident soon reached executives at...
read moreBeckhams Unveil Own-Brand Range of Garden Furniture
‘Natural extension to our product portfolio’ say Britain’s favourite over-populated narcissistic celeb couple. There is no doubting the pulling-power of the Beckham brand, with customers having queued for up to three weeks at garden centres around the country to have ‘first dibs’ on the dynamic duo’s latest creation. However, the much-anticipated selection of chairs and tables garnered mixed reactions from the public and media. Some felt that the furniture had a certain naïve charm with its simple...
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