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Argentina Launches Bizarre New Tactic in Row Over Falkland Islands
Buenos Aires aims to hit the UK where it hurts the most: in the stomach. Argentina’s Minister of Corned Beef, Xavier Juarez-Juarez, today re-opened long-running diplomatic hostilities with the UK over ‘Las Malvinas’. ‘The British are major buyers of our delicious tinned meat. What could be more frustrating than to find that the key used to open the specially-designed tins is missing?’ ‘From next month, all tins of corned beef exported to the UK will have their keys removed before shipping. We know that...
read more‘Game-Changing’ New Poll Explores Attitudes of Drunk People
Opinion polls are now part-and-parcel of everyday life. But none have systematically assessed the views of people who are… pissed. Until now. ‘We have a fundamental problem in conducting polls’ said a spokesman for the British Polling Council (BPC). ‘Some people – quite understandably – feel obliged to give the reply that they think the interviewer wants to hear, or that they feel is more socially acceptable’. ‘The most obvious example is in election polling, where there is a tendency for...
read moreSir Sean Connery ‘Beyond Rage’ After Radio Competition Humiliation
The legendary Scottish actor scores ‘nul points’ in James Bond impression contest. Sean Connery suffered a crushing defeat yesterday – in a competition to find Britain’s best Sean Connery impersonator. Using a false name, he entered the charity radio phone-in, in which real James Bond actors competed anonymously against members of the public. Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig and George Lazenby all comfortably won their respective rounds, and went through to the sudden death final. But Connery...
read moreJeremy Paxman ‘Wanted Top Gear Job’ After Clarkson Sacking
Veteran Newsnight frontman Jeremy Paxman has confided that the BBC2 motoring show would have been ‘a perfect fit’ for his irascible talents. With his disdain for mainstream politics a long-known open secret, Paxman has revealed that he pitched the idea of joining Top Gear to BBC bosses. ‘It would have meant that May and Hammond could still have said “Jeremy” – and I think it’s about time that in-car SatNavs are held to account for all the misleading information they give. If I am told to “turn...
read moreCadbury Wispa Bars Are Being Stockpiled in Syria
UK Airport VAT Scam Garners a Wealth of Sensitive Data. Last year’s row over ‘airside’ boarding pass checks on shoppers at UK airports has had a big payoff for the intelligence services. As a retired MI5 officer explained: ‘Most passengers assumed that showing their boarding pass when buying, say, a bottle of water at WHSmith was some kind of security check. In fact it was simply a ruse to allow the shops to reclaim tax on items sold to those travelling outside the EU.’ ‘However, in the process a huge...
read moreSenator John McCain Sued Over ‘Oven Chip Lies’
Veteran US politician is dragged into row over cooking times A class action lawsuit was launched today against senior US lawmaker John McCain, with consumer groups accusing him of ‘consistent and blatant falsehoods’ in relation to the time needed to cook oven chips. An attorney representing the groups said ‘For years, bags of McCain’s Oven Chips have advised a cooking time of 20-22 minutes – while in fact it always takes at least 30 minutes to achieve the crispy golden brown color shown on the packaging’....
read more‘Unappreciated’ Met Office to Scrap UK Weather Forecasts
Following its recent bust-up with the BBC, The Met Office Announces the end of UK Weather Forecasts. The Met Office said today that it will cease production of UK weather forecasts, and concentrate instead on overseas markets. ‘All we ever hear from the public is moan, moan, moan; hurricane this, Michael Fish that..’ said a spokesman. ‘Well from now on British people can figure out for themselves what the weather is going to be like. In India, for example, nobody cares if we get the start of monsoon season a bit wrong;...
read moreNHS Patients ‘To Perform Their Own Operations’
With continuing financial crises and unrest among its staff, the NHS wants patients to take a more active role in their own care. New technology is already being used to remotely monitor devices such as pacemakers – but leaked memos from the Department of Health have revealed the extent of other changes being considered. Titled ‘Minor At-Home Procedures’, one document speculates on the ability of patients to conduct minor procedures such as the removal of warts and ingrowing toenails. ‘Scalpals, liquid nitrogen...
read moreDisused Scottish Airfield Launches Bid to Become London’s Third Runway
With Heathrow and Gatwick vying to add to London’s airport capacity, a new and unexpected hat has been thrown into the ring. ‘Thurso is an ideal choice for those wanting quick access to the heart of London’ a spokesman said. ‘It’s much closer than New York or Tokyo, and has nearby golf courses and oil rigs that Beijing can only dream of’. ‘Visitors will also appreciate the lack of congestion; the airfield has been unused since 1940 when it was accidentally demolished by the Army’. ‘The...
read moreHoover Dam ‘May Have to be Turned Around’
With record droughts continuing in the USA’s Western States, planners are having to consider radical solutions to safeguard future water and energy supplies. Lake Mead (created in the 1930s when Hoover Dam was built) is at its lowest level since first being filled. The distinctine ‘bathtub ring’ around the lake grows by about 10 feet per year. The US Bureau of Reclamation has responsibility for the Dam, and is reported to be in near-crisis talks with the States of Nevada and Arizona, as well as the Federal Government. One...
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