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BMW Attempts to Patent ‘New Number Between 3 And 4’
German carmaker BMW is struggling to find new demographic groups to exploit – but may have found a radical solution. ‘We have now used the numbers one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight for our main models ranges’ said a spokesman. ‘Obviously “nine” is out of the question, as it wouldn’t play well in our home market and people would take the mickey out of us in the UK and US’. The bulk of BMW’s sales have traditionally come from its 3 and 5 Series cars – but now that...
read moreHelen Mirren to Play Evel Knievel in New Movie Biopic
Better-known for her costume dramas and tough police procedurals, veteran actress Helen Mirren will be tackling a very different role this year. ‘Playing a motorcycle stuntman is certainly a new departure for me’ commented Mirren, ‘but I’m sure audiences won’t be put off by a 70 year old woman portraying a 35 year old man. This is the age of gender neutrality, after all..’ To add further authenticity, Mirren insisted on performing all her own stunts. ‘The studio was very nervous – especially...
read moreMcDonald’s Reveals its 1950s ‘Special Water’ Secrets
Companies such as Coca-Cola and Google have created worldwide business empires based on closely-guarded secret formulas and computer programs. Recently-discovered papers reveal that McDonald’s is also part of this elite group… In the mid 1950s, the fast-growing McDonald’s burger chain was looking for a way to give its customers something unique. Alongside its hugely-popular burgers, hot drinks were also selling well – but there was a problem. Cups in the 1950s did not have the necessary heat insulation to keep the...
read moreTeachers Furious At Leaked Colouring-In Exam Paper
A ‘rogue marker’ has been blamed for posting a completed colouring-in exam paper online. The paper – due to have been sat in three days time – is the country’s first to systematically test students’ ability to colour-in blank pictures. It was to be a trial run for proposed additions to the National Curriculum in 2018. ‘This has wrecked several months’ hard work by our students’ said one teacher who preferred to remain anonymous. ‘Recently, there has been tremendous interest...
read moreLights Go Out on Brighton’s ‘Glow-In-The-Dark Seagull’ Plan
Green councillors in Brighton have met with strong opposition to their latest environment-friendly scheme. They had proposed rounding up the City’s seagulls (using tranquiliser guns and giant nets), dipping them in special luminescent paint, and then re-releasing them. At night, the glowing gulls would have rendered conventional street lighting unnecessary – saving the Council thousands of pounds a year on electricity bills, helping to combat climate change, and allaying emerging health fears about the intensity of new LED street...
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