Standoff with lone gunman prompts enquiries from veterans, housewives, teens and hunting enthusiasts. ‘We’re referring all calls to Northrop Grumman, whose Remotec division manufactures the devices’ said a DPD spokesman. ‘The most common questions are’: Can it be used for trick-or-treating? Can I control it with my iphone? What colors does it come in? Will it take down an alligator at 50 feet? Is it covered by the Second Amendment? Can I trade my 2014 Camry against it? Does Chuck Norris have one? Remotec was not available for comment, though a local resident said the...

‘Shoot it into space’ the most popular option for disposal of city’s household waste (‘WEXIT’). ‘It’s not the result we were expecting’ said Council Leader John Clancy, ‘but we did make a commitment to honour our residents’ decision – and so we shall’. The survey had asked Birmingham people how the Council should best dispose of residents’ household waste – with options including recycling, incineration, landfill, Anaerobic Digestion (AD), Biomass and exporting it to Nuneaton. ‘There was one space left on the...

Green activists say cats, dogs and gerbils are ‘an environmental disaster hiding in plain sight’. The impact of methane emissions from cows are well-documented – but now campaigners are turning their attention closer to home, with a stinging attack on domestic pets. ‘They are increasingly an extension of their owners’ profligacy’, read a statement. ‘Dogs in particular are over-fed – while cats upset biodiversity and weaken the planet’s resilience to climate change by eating small birds.  These birds would otherwise be helping to control insect...

Mates express concern as he launches campaign to win Number 10. ‘It’s really strange’ said site foreman Terry McCoy.  ‘Gareth was fine until he got hit on the head by a copper pipe’. ‘Next day, someone asked him if he wanted tea or coffee, and he said: “That’s exactly the kind of divisive thinking that we need to move away from. Many deep wounds have been inflicted over the past fortnight, and I believe I am the best person to heal those wounds.”‘ ‘..And there wasn’t a hint of his usual Geordie twang; he sounded more like Mary...

Faced with ever-growing competition from online-only finance providers, parents are turning their children away in unprecedented numbers. For so long seen as the ‘lender of last resort’, parents are struggling to meet their children’s demands for cash. ‘Whether it be fifty quid for a train fare, or an interest-free gift of several thousand pounds to cover tuition fees, we are feeling the pressure from the competition’, said the Bank of Mum and Dad’s Head of Marketing. Reports come in every day of students visiting their parents’ homes – only to find them...