Buoyed by revamped New Street railway station, and inspired by Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport, City Council is in talks with the CAA. ‘This is the latest in a long line of white elephant projects aiming to bring Birmingham into the big league, but which is doomed to failure from the outset’ – said a senior councillor, going slightly off message. ‘Our IATA code would change from ‘BHX’ to ‘OZI’ – and the Australians are already saying this may cause confusion with Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra etc’. ‘Still, never mind all that.  Ozzy...

‘Cliché-ridden’, ‘depressing’ and ‘endlessly repetitive’ are among the criticisms aimed at the Fab Four Two. In a bombshell survey carried out for The Sun newspaper, Liverpudlians have revealed the depth of their contempt for the band – so long thought to be near God-like figures in their home city. ‘It’s Magical Mystery Tour this, Cavern Club that and Penny Lane the other’ said one disgruntled passer-by from central London.  ‘Try finding a busker in this town who isn’t playing Strawberry Fields Forever.  Forever.’...

Funding crisis blamed on ‘Inadequate cash flow from lucky-wish pennies’. Following similar controversies over the nearby Grand Ocean Hotel and Saltdean Lido, Brighton’s War Memorial is now at the centre of a row between local residents and a property developer. ‘It just isn’t sustainable’ said Proimus UK Property. ‘The only use the Memorial gets is from seagulls – and they ain’t good payers’. ‘We propose to reimagine the Memorial as a multi-use gym, spa, bistro and luxury apartment complex – with the existing pool having exciting...

Latest ‘lockable’ nozzles are so complicated that most people give up after 30 minutes.  World Record to open a can is 6 minutes. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced at its Lausanne HQ yesterday that it has ratified the sport as an official Olympic competition. ‘It combines the mental skills of chess with the physical dexterity of fencing’ read the official IOC statement, ‘and so is a worthy addition to the competitions undertaken at the World’s oldest and most prestigious sporting event. Favourites for the Gold Medal are the Chinese, with their...

Self-service checkouts blamed for staff uncontrollably shouting phrases round-the-clock such as ‘Thank you for shopping at Morrisons. Please take your change’.  Psychiatrists concerned that sufferers’ behaviour could ‘escalate’. ‘Remember Japanese water torture?’ said a senior neurologist at London’s prestigious UCLH.  ‘Well it’s back – but this time it’s more high-tech.  The endless repetition of identical phrases by artificial voices – from as many as 20 sources all in close proximity – is literally driving people...