Gardeners are incredulous at news that the presenter faces multiple charges brought by French Riot Police. The darling of middle England, 67 year old Titchmarsh first came to fame through Gardeners’ World and Ground Force, before ploughing another successful furrow as a novelist. ‘We just can’t take it in’ said Edna Hilton, President of the Harrogate Gardeners’ Guild. ‘He was the Guest of Honour at our Summer Fete in 2012 – and was the perfect gentleman’. Details are still sketchy, but it appears that Titchmarsh was one of a crowd of drunken England...

Britain’s only remaining airworthy Vulcan – XH558 – has won a last-minute reprieve from permanent grounding. Top executives at Warner Brothers have committed $50 million to keep the aircraft flying until Autumn 2019, when filming is due to wrap on ‘Harry Potter and the Vulcan Bomber’. Author J.K. Rowling said: ‘It will be wonderful to see ‘The Tin Triangle’ flying again, and we hope that her pilots Martin and Kev will enter into the spirit by wearing costumes from the other films during the action sequences’. The plot of this ninth outing for the...

The tech giant is aiming to broaden its appeal to the criminal fraternity with its latest model. ‘With our highest ever level of encryption, the iphone supermax gives unprecedented protection to the people who need it most’ commented lizard-like morally bankrupt Apple CEO Tim Cook (successor to lizard-like, morally bankrupt Steve Jobs). ‘The consequences for our nation’s serial killers, child molesters, armed robbers and terrorists of being hacked are almost unimaginable: arrest, jail time, enhanced interrogation – possibly even execution.’ ‘We are absolutely...

‘Sleeper cells’ of radicalised elderly white middle-class women are suspected of hiding in plain sight among the W.I.’s ranks. The Women’s Institute – formed in 1915 – has traditionally been associated with village fetes, coffee mornings, bring-and-buy sales – and of course cakes. In recent years, though, it has had to confront issues from the grittier side of life: contraception, abortion, people trafficking, gang rape and child pornography. And it may now be facing its biggest ever challenge, with the suggestion that some of its members are turning to...

The English Tiddlywinks Association (ETwA) has moved swiftly to answer accusations that the game has ‘endemic corruption from top to bottom’. An undercover Channel 4 investigation broadcast last month found widespread: Match-rigging, with leading players offered up to £20 to ‘throw the wink’ Use of non-regulation ‘loaded’ winks, made of Kevlar to reduce wear and tear and improve aerodynamic efficiency Doping, with many IOC-blacklisted substances in common use Under-the-table payments to ETwA from provincial towns bidding to host the annual UK Championships The...