Funding crisis blamed on ‘Inadequate cash flow from lucky-wish pennies’. Following similar controversies over the nearby Grand Ocean Hotel and Saltdean Lido, Brighton’s War Memorial is now at the centre of a row between local residents and a property developer. ‘It just isn’t sustainable’ said Proimus UK Property. ‘The only use the Memorial gets is from seagulls – and they ain’t good payers’. ‘We propose to reimagine the Memorial as a multi-use gym, spa, bistro and luxury apartment complex – with the existing pool having exciting...

Eco-friendly city wants new residents to ‘get off on the right pedal’. Caroline Lucas MP said ‘there is nothing wrong with our “when in Rome” approach; we cannot take everyone, as this would drive the local squatter community into homelessness’. ‘We realise that bringing a bicycle over on a dangerously overcrowded small boat from Turkey or Greece is impractical – but there are lots of very good deals to be had once the people are here.  And frankly if they can afford to pay people traffickers thousands of pounds for passage to the UK, a fifty quid bike...

A jubilant Richard Branson visited Brighton yesterday to announce victory in his long-fought battle to take over the Victorian-era line. ‘We’ve waited far too long for this moment; typically, UK rail franchises are reviewed or renewed within a decade – so 133 years is somewhat overdue’ joked the billionaire. ‘Anyway, we now have a clean sheet of paper from which to start upgrading the line.  Firstly, the latest ‘High Speed’ track will replace the current narrow gauge, and in-cab signalling will allow our flagship Class 91 locomotive-hauled trains to operate...

Green councillors in Brighton have met with strong opposition to their latest environment-friendly scheme. They had proposed rounding up the City’s seagulls (using tranquiliser guns and giant nets), dipping them in special luminescent paint, and then re-releasing them.  At night, the glowing gulls would have rendered conventional street lighting unnecessary – saving the Council thousands of pounds a year on electricity bills, helping to combat climate change, and allaying emerging health fears about the intensity of new LED street lights. To ensure the birds were located where most...