Self-service checkouts blamed for staff uncontrollably shouting phrases round-the-clock such as ‘Thank you for shopping at Morrisons. Please take your change’.  Psychiatrists concerned that sufferers’ behaviour could ‘escalate’. ‘Remember Japanese water torture?’ said a senior neurologist at London’s prestigious UCLH.  ‘Well it’s back – but this time it’s more high-tech.  The endless repetition of identical phrases by artificial voices – from as many as 20 sources all in close proximity – is literally driving people...

Health service has ‘lost all sense of perspective‘ says cross-party group of backbenchers. Customers are often asked to fill in feedback questionnaires about the services or products they use – but one such example at a Brighton hospital has caused outrage and bemusement in equal measure. ‘”Political correctness gone mad” doesn’t even begin to cover it’, fumed a Conservative backbench MP. ‘In the supposed interests of serving all strands of the weird-and-wonderful population of Brighton, people are asked if they are: Transgender (and by the way,...

Latest Alzheimer’s Society statistics charting the condition’s growth make alarming reading. ‘As a country, we can no longer ignore this national epidemic’ said a spokeswoman.  ‘Unless we act now, the human cost will be unimaginable.  The health services will be overwhelmed, planes will fall from the sky, locusts will fill the air – and Ant and Dec will never again be seen on telly’. However, the comments have attracted criticism from some quarters. ‘As usual, they’re overplaying their hand’ said a volunteer at Cancer Research UK. ...

With continuing financial crises and unrest among its staff, the NHS wants patients to take a more active role in their own care. New technology is already being used to remotely monitor devices such as pacemakers – but leaked memos from the Department of Health have revealed the extent of other changes being considered. Titled ‘Minor At-Home Procedures’, one document speculates on the ability of patients to conduct minor procedures such as the removal of warts and ingrowing toenails. ‘Scalpals, liquid nitrogen canisters and instructions could be sent out by courier to the...