Newly-Appointed Foreign Secretary wants to pass on his experience to less mature generations.  In a typically lively speech, the former London Mayor said: ‘It’s an ideal opportunity for me to “give something back” to this wonderful country – to which I’ve already given so much. Back. ‘We’re working on a detailed curriculum right now.  So far, we’ve come up with four specific areas in which dignity is so key: Combing one’s hair Correct use of flags, bungee cords and zip lines when in public Insulting the entire populations of large Northern...

Mates express concern as he launches campaign to win Number 10. ‘It’s really strange’ said site foreman Terry McCoy.  ‘Gareth was fine until he got hit on the head by a copper pipe’. ‘Next day, someone asked him if he wanted tea or coffee, and he said: “That’s exactly the kind of divisive thinking that we need to move away from. Many deep wounds have been inflicted over the past fortnight, and I believe I am the best person to heal those wounds.”‘ ‘..And there wasn’t a hint of his usual Geordie twang; he sounded more like Mary...

Presenter’s no-nonsense approach a ‘perfect fit’ for challenging post-Brexit climate. His catch-phrases such as ‘stick something on the end of it’, ‘man up’, ‘it’s my show’ and ‘just grow a pair’ have bulldozed their way through countless family feuds over the years – but now Jeremy Kyle’s talents will be helping to resolve disputes between employers, employees, unions and government departments. ‘In the World of knocking heads together, ACAS is The Daddy’ said a delighted Kyle. ‘”Advisory...

‘This is our moment’ says veteran Tory as he crosses the floor of the House. ‘Over the past 30 years, we have suffered a creeping erosion not only of our sovereignty but – perhaps more importantly – the loss of those lovely little touches that define Englishness’. ‘Where to begin?’ Drivers no longer letting you pull out at junctions Packets of digestive biscuits now being easy to open Self-adhesive postage stamps that do not require licking Un-vandalised telephone boxes that now do not even smell of urine But his Party’s flagship policy is to...

The shock Brexit victory has hardened the resolve of important people to not be caught napping again. ‘Well we’re not going to let that happen again’, said a senior source close to Number 10. ‘Nor are we going to let the result stand. Bear in mind that the score was very close – 48.1% to 51.9% – and young, well-educated  people in important places (ie London) voted overwhelmingly to remain. ‘So, the ‘remain’ vote will become stronger by the day.  In fact, we calculate that enough PBOFs (Pro-Brexit Old Farts) will have died to tip the balance by...