NHS Patients ‘To Perform Their Own Operations’

A typical NHS patient.

A selection of the easy-to-use disposable scalpals available on the NHS

With continuing financial crises and unrest among its staff, the NHS wants patients to take a more active role in their own care.

New technology is already being used to remotely monitor devices such as pacemakers – but leaked memos from the Department of Health have revealed the extent of other changes being considered.

Titled ‘Minor At-Home Procedures’, one document speculates on the ability of patients to conduct minor procedures such as the removal of warts and ingrowing toenails.

‘Scalpals, liquid nitrogen canisters and instructions could be sent out by courier to the patient’s home.  Companies such as Amazon have the logistics already in place to do this – and the instructions would also be available in Welsh if required. There would be a dedicated email address to contact if people encounter any difficulties.  (Telephone helplines would be more expensive and are in any case largely redundant now, as everyone has the internet’).

‘We must also not shy away from bolder ideas.  Minor amputations – fingers, toes and testicles – often make people squeamish, but with modern-day painkillers there is little cause for concern.  And the latest medical instruments would give a ‘hot knife through butter’ experience every time.

‘Patient empowerment had been the NHS’s watchword for over a decade now, and these new ideas would allow that ethos to be taken further still’.