Funding crisis blamed on ‘Inadequate cash flow from lucky-wish pennies’. Following similar controversies over the nearby Grand Ocean Hotel and Saltdean Lido, Brighton’s War Memorial is now at the centre of a row between local residents and a property developer. ‘It just isn’t sustainable’ said Proimus UK Property. ‘The only use the Memorial gets is from seagulls – and they ain’t good payers’. ‘We propose to reimagine the Memorial as a multi-use gym, spa, bistro and luxury apartment complex – with the existing pool having exciting...

Latest ‘lockable’ nozzles are so complicated that most people give up after 30 minutes.  World Record to open a can is 6 minutes. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced at its Lausanne HQ yesterday that it has ratified the sport as an official Olympic competition. ‘It combines the mental skills of chess with the physical dexterity of fencing’ read the official IOC statement, ‘and so is a worthy addition to the competitions undertaken at the World’s oldest and most prestigious sporting event. Favourites for the Gold Medal are the Chinese, with their...

Self-service checkouts blamed for staff uncontrollably shouting phrases round-the-clock such as ‘Thank you for shopping at Morrisons. Please take your change’.  Psychiatrists concerned that sufferers’ behaviour could ‘escalate’. ‘Remember Japanese water torture?’ said a senior neurologist at London’s prestigious UCLH.  ‘Well it’s back – but this time it’s more high-tech.  The endless repetition of identical phrases by artificial voices – from as many as 20 sources all in close proximity – is literally driving people...

Health service has ‘lost all sense of perspective‘ says cross-party group of backbenchers. Customers are often asked to fill in feedback questionnaires about the services or products they use – but one such example at a Brighton hospital has caused outrage and bemusement in equal measure. ‘”Political correctness gone mad” doesn’t even begin to cover it’, fumed a Conservative backbench MP. ‘In the supposed interests of serving all strands of the weird-and-wonderful population of Brighton, people are asked if they are: Transgender (and by the way,...

Surprise ‘gong’ follows UK Astronaut Tim Peake’s CMG (Companion of order of St Michael and St George), and petitions to award the International Space Station (ISS) the Nobel Peace Prize. ‘This isn’t nearly as daft as it sounds’ said legendary 82 year-old former NASA Flight Director Gene Kranz. ‘The United States achieved unprecedented technological advances with its manned spaceflight programs, and much of this was driven by a desire to go to the Moon.  Without the Moon, the whole thing would have been far less exciting – and nobody would have heard of...

MPs will now debate motion: ‘This House Believes that, in a Time of National Crisis, Emily Maitlis Should go on Strictly Come Dancing Whether She Wants to or Not’. ‘It’s no longer just a question of advancing her career’ said a senior BBC News executive ‘it’s about stepping up for her country. ‘The Pound is at its lowest level since goodness-knows-when, the markets are having kittens, and families up and down the land have been torn apart – possibly for generations to come’. The UK needs something that can bring together people throughout...