Millions of consumers besiege shops, hoping to be the first to own ‘The Must-Have Product Of All Time’. With advance sales of over 1,000,000,000, Kettle 7 already has its place in the history books – and company chiefs are gearing up for even greater success when the top-secret design is finally unveiled at the O2 next week. A statement by the company read ‘The kettle – for so long a symbol of Britishness – is about to move on to a whole different level’. ‘Kettle 7 will have several ground-breaking features’: It can freeze water as well as boil it....

Swiss company launches the latest in an endless line of limited edition ‘Moon Watch’ Models. We’ve had ‘The First Omega in Space’ Special Edition – plus Apollo XI 20th, 25th, 30th, 35th, 40th and 45th Anniversary models. Enough already?   Not a bit. Omega’s marketeers have now unveiled their masterpiece: a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to celebrate the first ‘Motion Moment’ on the lunar surface. At precisely 9.07 pm GMT on 20th July 1969, Neil Armstrong took his first Giant Leak for Mankind – and more besides. Using the Lunar Module’s...

Pro-Brexit supporter led away by Police and CAA officials. There was terror for 400 passengers yesterday on an inbound flight from New York, as the Captain came over the intercom at 5,000 feet and shouted ‘this is the end…. for Europe’, before performing what is believed to be the first ever genuine barrel-roll by a Boeing 747. Fake videos posted online are believed to have been the inspiration for the pilot to perform what Boeing described as ‘an extremely foolish action’. By co-incidence, pro-Brexit leader Nigel Farage was on board, returning from a short lecture tour...

Three ‘major names’ under the spotlight as police pass initial papers to the DPP. Under new guidelines, the names of those involved will not be released unless or until formal charges are brought. However, some information has already come to light as to the identity of those ‘of interest’ to detectives: A multi-coloured cat, linked to inappropriate relations with young mice and a woodpecker A small Welsh steam locomotive, suspected of people trafficking A tight-knit group of moon-based creatures, believed to have pimped out an underage dragon to NASA astronauts In a separate...

Presenter’s no-nonsense approach a ‘perfect fit’ for challenging post-Brexit climate. His catch-phrases such as ‘stick something on the end of it’, ‘man up’, ‘it’s my show’ and ‘just grow a pair’ have bulldozed their way through countless family feuds over the years – but now Jeremy Kyle’s talents will be helping to resolve disputes between employers, employees, unions and government departments. ‘In the World of knocking heads together, ACAS is The Daddy’ said a delighted Kyle. ‘”Advisory...

‘This is our moment’ says veteran Tory as he crosses the floor of the House. ‘Over the past 30 years, we have suffered a creeping erosion not only of our sovereignty but – perhaps more importantly – the loss of those lovely little touches that define Englishness’. ‘Where to begin?’ Drivers no longer letting you pull out at junctions Packets of digestive biscuits now being easy to open Self-adhesive postage stamps that do not require licking Un-vandalised telephone boxes that now do not even smell of urine But his Party’s flagship policy is to...